♥ Friday, July 3, 2009
dear diary,
im not happy recently.. im goin insane i felt so much stress. worse part is i cant express my feeling well.. i starting to be anti social, away from meeting frens. even ppl in house. morning to nite i lock in my room. repeating same thing again n again. nobody knows wat in my mind, nobody knows how i feel, wat i wan, cry or smile, even they know. juz useless.. useless.. ntg will change.. the vibe in house juz same. stress sad. i became vr defensive, overeact, i dun like to be the weak one, i hate to be weak one. i can keep my anger, my sad feelings , hold bec my tears like ntg happen. but the feelings s bad. i cant breath, my heartbeat stop till i almost choke out of air.
i feel really weak, hopeless, meaningless to live. for many times smtg challenge me to shut my life of tis world. sumtimes thinkin is hard. i cant even think now. wat is the prob with me? i keep on doubting my decision. i already cheated the trust i have on myself. i dun trust myself. i dun trust my thinking, i dun trust my decision. im already lost myself. im juz a body without soul.
i cried underneath my blanket, covered up my ears, ignoring the voices i owiz afraid, the voice tat owiz bring me down, the voice that owiz knock my blif , confidence.. im not a gud child i can b honest. but i also deny her as a gud parent. she is not supportive, she scold rude, she ego, she owiz wanted her way, she is owiz rite, she juz... i dunno... my bro will understand my feelings. he been thru my position. remembering during my bad childhood memories, i still rmb...i wan a mum who is gentle, supportive, care for family.. whenever it is. she will repeat how great she have done, how wise she think... i never like her thinking.. i miss my dad.. my dad owiz giv me warmth, love, respect, he is a gud listener n heal my crying soul. he can persuade wat mum cant, bcoz dad owiz sound so caring , love... n she sound vr demand...she is the law. u cant break the law else u be punish. i owiz afraid of her, im mentally disorder when she can b 2 face in time.
i cant keep put blame on others. im hiding to myself in my inner world. i cant communicate well anymore, i feeling swaying away to the ppl.. am i a bad communicator? i hate myself. i hate myself till i wan to hurt myself badly. god pls help me wat to do. wat i wan. how shud i live? i dunno i dunno i dunno.. i dun even kno wat im asking u to help.. my brain juz shutting me down to think...
i cant talk anymore...im already used to this silence room. facing walls.. listening the talking to myself. will i turn to be crazy? no i dun wan..
n no one can know my sadness. it is my weakness. my sadness is troublesome, sadness should not be spread, i only shares my happiness..my sadness will be dump right here.. it juz a temporary absence of happiness.. i will be better tmr. tmr n tmr.
love is owiz my priority the energy i searching to carry on my life, to give me hope for tmr, to plan up ahead n ahead rest of my days.
i miss love..
juz blame im lifeless n u r lively in life.
at
Friday, July 03, 2009
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